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Wednesday
Apr182012

And I Wonder Why.

Early blog post, right?

Yeah.  I thought so too.

Considering I'm out of my MIND lately.

Who am I kidding with the 'lately' part.

I've been a whackjob for oh... almost 5 years now?

Yeah. That's about right.

I'll be 35 in June.  Moved here (Philly) a month after I turned 30.

Not that I'm saying Philly made me crazy.  Cause quite frankly the only reason I'm sitting here now is to totally call out MY accountability on myself.

I don't sleep at night.  I TRY to.  I lay in bed for 1/2 hour.  Get annoyed, grab my iphone or ipad.  Surf the net.  Go on Trulia. (No.  We're not selling our house.  But I love to waste time on there seeing what the prices are for houses and looking inside them! haha. Strange? You got it.)

I know.  First off:  put those stupid devices in the garage at night so I don't get sidetracked by them!!!!

It's an addiction I think.  I mean, I start to sweat at the thought of actually having to LAY there, ya know.  

Then this morning-I roll over...toss and turn cause there is this 4 YEAR OLD that for some reason HAS to crawl in our bed anywhere from midnight to 4am....EVERY NIGHT.

That kid is as addicted to sleeping next to me as I am addicted to sleeping next to my electronic devices.

Great.  Not only am I an addict but I've created one too.  Come on kid..you GOTTA break that cycle or you're gonna be in big trouble one day.  

So then I wake up. 

Wash my face.  Seeing 1,000 zits, bumps, you name it-stuff on my face that I didn't even have as a teenager. 

And I wonder why.

Then I brush my teeth feeling that achy feeling I always do from hitting a gum thats sore or seeing the crookedness there for not taking care of them after 5 years of braces in gradeschool.  Although I've been to the dentist 8 times this year with a value of about $4000 but I digress. Time for a new dentist?

And I wonder why.

And of course my daily routine obsession of standing on the scale and gasping occurs.

And I wonder why.

THUNK.  Hit over the head with my iphone after checking email and realize.

I AM IN CRAPPY CONDITION.

Do you ever just look at the clock and wish for another time?

Do you ever find yourself running-and running-and running from reality?

Damn.  

I do.  EVERY.SINGLE.DAY.  

It ROYALLY SUCKS.  Seriously.  I'm soooo sick of it.  Every day.  It's the same routine of insanity.

Albert Einstein hit the nail on the head when he said:

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

It's PURE insanity.

I have to tell ya.  I'm not 100% sure what to do about it. 

I mean.....I'm REALLY REALLY trying.  So freaking hard. 

On one thing.  Then I'll focus on another.  

I get so annoyed easily at stuff.  Find myself lashing out at my husband.  Or even my poor kid.  I'm impatient.  

I want it when I want it and I want it now. 

And I wonder why.

I can't get to the end of something without so many freaking obstacles in the way.  One after the other.  

I use to think that I never had those 'before 30'.  But now I know that they were there.  Just different.  And I funneled all my negative energy into fitness and career.  

And well...with both of those down the sh*tter when Boston was born...I spiraled.  OUT.Of.CONTROL.

And here I am.  Sitting with my 'blogger butt' pondering: How did this happen?

And I wonder why my husband runs away from me diverts attention when I'm a crab.

I wonder why I've turned into a complete tub-o-lard gained nearly 40 pounds in 2 years.

It's pathetic.

I wonder why I can't get to the bottom of a to do list or sleep at night.

Here's my cycle-tell me if you can relate:

-- Focus on Body Health:  Lose (lost/gained) 30 lbs down 10 up 15 down 6 up 12, diet pills, concoctions, lipo, extreme fitness classes, stop putting off dentist and get teeth fixed, EATING AN ENTIRE CAKE.

-- Getting Sleep:  take 4 melatonin, sleeping next to electronics, not completing tasks on time, freaking out in middle of night, jump up to check email, take 6 melatonin, fatigued all day.

-- Career Success:  Saying yes to 40 things, attempting with good intentions, balls drop.  Guilt sets in. Big WIN somewhere, not getting paid for the work you do, giving free advice, great check comes in, not getting a check for 3 months yet working your ass off but not knowing how to be the bulldog for those that take advantage of you....PAY ME PEOPLE. 

BLAH BLAH BLAH.

It's a vicious cycle.  I put 100% of my eggs in a basket-see a 'win' there, then move to another only to watch that one that showed a win to lose. 

I freaking give up.  

I can't give up.  

I've said this quite often.  And I really mean it.

Up until I was 18...not sure what my place was in life.  My 20s I ROCKED this world...got what I wanted when I wanted it.....my 30s totally rock"y" - family, being a mom, living in Philly, blow to self esteem, looking for stability.....my 40s?  Best shape of my life.  Great teeth.  Great body. Great career. Great husband (cause he'll be trained WELL by then on my idiosyncrasies).  Great kid(s).  

GREAT LIFE.

Ok.  Looks great on paper (or monitors in this case) but how do I get there?

Obviously the things I'm doing just aren't cutting it.  

How do I succeed at ALL of those without dropping the ball on one of them?

PLEASE-I'll pay good money for that advice that works!


Heck.  After all I've spent on therapies, mental vacations, cleaning ladies, dentist bills.....that advice will be worth every penny! 

ha.  And I wonder why I keep looking for that quick fix. 

Cause I'm an addict. 

Now off to get a snack and take a nap. 

UGH-I did it again!

 

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Reader Comments (3)

Hugs! Take it one day at a time, one habit at a time. Figure out which is the thing you want to change most, and spend 2 months on that. Find a partner, too. Someone that you can really trust. Remember it took time for you to get to this point. It's going to take time to climb back up the hill.

Hugs!

April 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBarb@ALifeinBalance

Awe thanks Barb! I don't know how u do it with the amazing family size you have AND keep it all together! Lol

April 18, 2012 | Registered CommenterJoey Fortman

Big HUGS coming your way. I've had periods in my life like this too- I think we al do (even though some won't admit it) My life was a bit like this college/early 20s. Let's grab some coffee (my addiction) or take a walk one morning/afternoon soon.

April 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKristie

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