If you know me... and have read my blogs in the past... you know - I was a bit psycho last year. 

Well.. maybe psycho is a little harsh.. how about depressed.  BIG TIME.

As I sit here...next to the cutest little boy in the world... I have to say it out loud.

I AM NOT GOING TO LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF.

No... I'm not depressed.  I have been off meds and in a happier place since December.  (I stopped taking antidepressants because a woman I work with ((who is a doctor)) told me some scary info and I was DONE with that!!  She said I could have seizures... and the thought of having a seizure driving with my kid in the back scared the hell out of me.)

I figure...if no one else can make me happy... then drugs won't.. I have to make MYSELF happy.

Anyway... my husband said something to me last night that really brought up some awful and ugly memories of when I was so sad.  Why did he have to do that?  Why couldn't he just assume that I am better.  That there was no longer an issue.  Does he think that history will repeat itself?  Does he think that ugly animal might come out and rev its evil head?

I didn't say anything to him at the time... I just went to take a bath.  And to bed.  (I have a serious addiction to my bath tub.  It's therapeutic like my blog.)

Then this morning.... I started thinking about things...and yet... that ugly animal started to awaken. 

And the tears just rocked my pillowcase.

So I sent him a mean email.

Then the phone rang.  And the beast came out.

A lovely argument happened... and I said some things that weren't really thought out. 

And then we hung up.

Ugly.

Mad.

Mean.

That's the problem.  I have a horrible way of letting something build up and bother me...to the point I start dragging all the issues that have bothered me into the picture. Instead of just saying things when they bother me and gettttttttttt over it.

But why did he have to bring that up last night?  Now going into a trip for a wedding... I already have that 'loser' stamp on my forehead.  Because of what he said it's affected the next 4 days.  Puts me on eggshells.

But oh so lucky me.  I packed my mom cardigan and hairbows and I can be June Cleaver with the best of them.

On the outside.

But on the inside...history will not repeat itself. 

And June Cleaver could be a bitch too if she had to. 

Gotta go. Laundry is beckoning.

I have had two days of awesome experiences...and yet. now.. the tears just keep flowing.

So a sadly short time back... I wrote about a beautiful girl named Layla.

I don't know her.

I don't know her family.

Yet.. she has touched my heart..

I literally just wrote about her.  Barely days ago.

She has gone to play with the angels...

I just can't imagine.  Nor do I want to. 

I'm holding my best friend... so tight.. that if I loosen up..he may run away.

God is Almighty.  I am the biggest believer that everything happens for a reason...

Yet... I just can't place for reason for this.  Well..maybe I can.

Cause a random person like me.. is feeling a Mom's Heavy Heart.

Bless you sweet Layla Grace.

MomSpace TV debuts tonite

I'm excited cause I get to be creative again!  But.. I'm soooo behind on so much stuff before going to LA this weekend. OMGosh. How do moms REALLY make things happen in their days????

Not to mention-this little baby-MY blog has been neglected. 

Whoa.  Sidetracked.  Watching new Yo Gabba Gabba with "B" and Sarah Silverman is on doing the Dancy Dance.  GABBA IS GOING BIG TIME!

**back to earth......

So tomorrow morning I am having a few MomSpace Mom Bloggers at my house to do a shoot.

Great YES!  My house??? NOT SO GREAT!  OMGOSH.  We just had the cleaning lady here on Friday and it looks like hell again.  Argh. 

Ok-Check out MomSpace TV link in the upper right here and find out what tonite's show is all about.

I hope I can get more than 3 viewers.  And if so.. Awww well.

Anyway.  Today was kind of a rough day.

Didn't get any work done... my poor guy has pink eye. 

We went to the bookstore for story time... played with the 'choo choo' there..

He was so good!  I said 'it's time to go. Put the choo choo's back so other boys and girls can  play with them.'

And he did... then followed me out the store. 

He's getting to be such a big boy.  I carried him out of the store and he said 'Walk Mama'.  So I let him walk.. holding my hand in the street of course.

There are some days that I really wish I could go back in time. 

I wish I could go back to the days when I was bitter and unhappy because I had to give up my career for him.

I wish I could go back so i could slap myself.

Hard.

I know.. it was part of the healing process of what was going on in my life... but I really wish I would have embraced him more.  I was jealous of him.  I thought everything I worked towards in my life.. was gone because of him..when really it wasn't.  it wasn't his fault. He just wanted his momma to be happy.  To not cry anymore.  He depended on me.  

I wish I would have looked at him knowing what I know now.

He grows up so fast.  And I'll never get this time with him again.

I love my sweet 'B'.  He's so good to his Mama.

Tonite after his bath, I put him in his crib with all his 'friends'.  One of his friends says the 'Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep' prayer... and at the end when it said "Amen".. Boston said "Amen". 

Then looked at me and said "Mama?" I said the usual "Yes dear."  He pointed to his face and said "Eye".

I love you too Baby.... Sweet Dreams.

And today was a day that I stopped.. and embraced my little man.

I married the man of my dreams. 

The man that I always looked for.

It was such an awesome weekend.  We got married in Key West... on Smather's Beach... then took a Conch Train to this unbelievable catamaran that we chartered for our friends and family.  Every single second of it was a girl's dream wedding.

I could go on and on about that weekend.... but I think I want to just thank my husband for

One AWESOME thing about baseball starting... SPRING AND SUMMER IS GETTING CLOSER!!  Woohoo.

We could REALLY use it here in Philly.

Wanna learn how you and your kids can WIN BIG?

My mom?  She always taught me to follow my dreams. To reach for the stars. To never give up.  To kick everyone's a** who gets in my way.

Wait.  No. I can't pin the last one on her.  My mom is sweet, thoughtful, and a good Christian woman.  So maybe the last one isn't so fitting.

Then where did I get it?

Boston is soooo in 'information overload'.  He loved it last year.

Boston is home with me every Tuesday & Thursday... so I decided I'd share his cuteness today.

I love being a Mama.

fed him mac - n - cheese and a fruit cup... played... Matt came home... played some more.

Then the little stinker crawled up in my lap.  It was sweet.

He's starting to talk more-and make real understanding words.  As each day of his life passes, I often wonder-do I love him more today than yesterday?!?!?!

I also kick myself in the rear.... on nights like tonite.

So I randomly got a tweet-following some of my mom blogger friends on Twitter...