Censorship

It's pretty pathetic when I have to go IN THE CORNER OF MY OWN WEBSITE to possibly even have 2 seconds to be ME?!?!?!

I'm really pissed off. 

So, here's the story. 

This morning I had a lowsy experience at a coffee joint.  (We'll just leave it at that...ok.)

I was kindly confronted from someone at the radio station because I 'ripped on a client that advertises with the company'. (NOT ME....with the company.)

Now mind you.  I'm a firm believer that you don't bite the hand that feeds you.  

And - if I didn't feel that maybe I shouldn't have been so UGLY and HONEST about how I felt..I'm not sure if I would have taken it down...even though, in reality-deep down-I TOTALLY still feel like that.  I can't stand this place.  It's awful.  But...I digress.  (What kind of run-on sentence was that?!?! lol)

So, the image to the right is the conversation I had on facebook.  I already know who called me out to my boss at the station.  I get it.  

And I'm not really 'pissed' about that.  I could have said 'forget you-this is my facebook page-it's set to private-it's who I am....yada yada.'  But for the sake of argument.  And because I DO admit that I wrote it in the heat of the argument.  

I took it DOWN.  

THEN, this evening-I saw this hysterical photo.  It's of a woman at a little kids birthday party.  Oh hell, I should just post it here.  

Sigh. 

Anyway, she's at a birthday party eating cake off a kids hand-and it's cropped off-super short to the womans face and the kids hand.  Ahem.  At first glance it looks like she's eating something. 

IT'S FREAKING HYSTERICAL!!!  

Then my sister reamed me.  Saying it was not appropriate for facebook.  

WTH?  (Ahem. And this came from someone who posted 3 different pics of stacked up empty beer cans two weekends ago...saying how they 'didn't finish'...but-once again I digress.)

But I have to tell you. 

IT FRIES MY ASS that I'm being told what I can and can't say/do on facebook.

WTH?!?!?  What I did evidentally was worse than saying FUCK on the internet. 

So I guess I can say that. 

___________

When I first started this blog I was told by family that I'm 'sharing too much' giving out too much info, maybe I shouldn't write that I'm depressed..that my husband is an asshole..blah blah blah. 

I went OFF on them when I did. 

Let me ask you this.  Who the hell made YOU GOD that gave YOU the responsibility to tell ME how to live MY LIFE?  

Ok.  So that was a little bit harsh. 

But, I'll tell you one thing. 

I don't look at porn.  I don't molest children. I donate to charity.  I pray. I take care of my child.  I hold the door for little old men coming in and out.  I don't steal.  Cheat.  SHOOT PEOPLE.  I don't even put people down in a hateful or conniving way.  I don't beat my child.  Hell, I don't even whip him OR raise my voice to him.  I sit him down and talk with him kindly and educate him what is right and wrong....

Then why the hell do I have to CENSOR who I am as a good outstanding human being???

I live my life.  

I am who I am.

But if I'm not hurting anyone-why should I change that?  OR be CENSORED for that matter.

My husband has NEVER been one to be on my side with this stuff.  Even when someone BLATANTLY told a lie loud and clear about me on twitter once when I got so upset about it....Nada.  He had this 'but what if BLAH BLAH BLAH' side.  I think he does it on purpose.  He is ALWAYS the devils advocate in everything I say and do.  It sucks.  It hurts.  it makes me cry.  It breaks my heart.  But oh well.  It is what it is.

I get it.  I totally get it.  

It's just come to me.

It's not about me.  It's about THEM.  They worry how it will affect THEM.  

What would people think of THEM for something I said?!?!?!

That's it.  

You know what I gotta say about that?  

Fuck you.  It's not about you.  It's about me.

And if I want to say something stupid or be HONEST about my experience somewhere (whether they advertise with ME or the company(s) I affiliate with) then it's MY OWN DAMN FAULT.

If I lose business over sharing my heart or being honest and open....then all be it.  

It's my fault.

So keep your fucking nose out of it.

((Damn it feels good to cuss and go off in this little secret corner.))

Go ahead.  Leave comments.  Tell me how YOU really feel.  Now I'm asking for the feedback.  =)

But remember..this is MY BLOG.  I have the liberty to delete your ass if you put me down. 

Double smiley faces right now. xoxoxoxoxo.

Tearful Sunday

Today actually was a pretty good day.

Till Skyping with my family tonite.  

My dad.  

He's getting so old.

So out of shape.  Can barely walk.  Overweight.

As I was hanging up the skype...

I started crying.  Hard.

To the point of having to walk away from my kid.

I've lived away from them since I graduated high school.  

I miss them so much.

I just wish I could hop in the car and spend the day with them on a Sunday.

Or a day where I feel like my world is crumbling.  

When I just want to be near them.  Close.  See their eyes light up when they see my child.  Or watch them hug him tight when he tells them something funny.  Or when I need unconditional love...the kind my parents give me.

I can't.

And I hate it.

Because the days are numbered.

And the moments are limited.

I never wanted to move here.  I didn't. 

I did this for my husband.  

In fact...when I moved to Chicago-I thought I was DONE.  No more moving.  I was done.  

At that point I was a 5 hour car drive or a cheap one hour flight to see them.

That wasn't 'right next door'...but it was a perfect location.

Now?  It's an insane hastle to get to their house.

Not to mention a big pricetag attached.

Ok.  I'm done with the poor me pity party.

Gotta wipe off the tears and make my guys dinner.

I'm going home soon, damnit.  

I need to replenish my soul.

Snow Days

A Snow Day

Snow Days

I'm not really sure what it is about Saturday...but I seem to find the most philosophical side of myself that day of the week.

Today really was no exception.

Although, by the time I hit publish it will be Sunday.

I've kind of been in a holding pattern in life lately.

All good things.  

But all in a way of just not sure what to think.

What decisions to make.

Or even what to feel.

Today was a special day with my little dude.

We woke up with the goal of not leaving our jammies.

In reality....underneath that little dude and his handsome hat and coat is a superhero.

No kidding.  

A really good one at that.  

I think today he might have just been Superman. 

Or at least that was his jammies of choice.

My Little Snow AngelI'm not sure what it is with that little guy.  And I know I'm not playing favorites just because he's mine. =)

But there sure is something special about him.

I see it everywhere I go.  People stop and stare.  They smile.  He flashes a charming smile back at them.  Many times strikes up a conversation.  Just the other day he was with me at the grocery store and 4 little girls were giggling and ga-ga at him.

That's my boy.

I'm rounding up to a pretty big anniversary in my life.

Kind of a timestamp, if you will.

I'm almost officially in Philadelphia as long as I was in Chicago.  And March 3rd will be my 5 year wedding anniversary.  

It absolutely amazes me that we've been in Philly for nearly as long as I lived in Chicago.  And the two lives are so different!  I use to think about Chicago with a heavy heart and yearn for that person.  I'm happy to say that I don't feel that way anymore.  

Finally.

This past year has been one of awakening for me.  On so many levels.

This Philly life has been struggle after struggle.  Tear after tear.  Just constant one step forward-12 steps back.

But once I got out of the darkness and walked toward the light.....(knock on wood lol) I can finally see the 12 steps forward.

Yeah.  There are those dark days once in awhile.  But in reality, who doesn't have them?  

They aren't exactly dark days anymore though.

They are just simple, snow days.  But thank God I have my little Snow Angel by my side.

Photographs: Friend or Foe

Joey - Circa 2004Photographs:

Friend or Foe

Here it is.  Saturday morning.  

And I already hit the 'blubbering mess' button.

I guess this kind of goes under the 'resolution/goals' category.

I made a list of things I wanted to start doing for myself this year.  And tried to opt out of the 'lose weight/get healthy' goal bologna.  

Till this week when I stood on the scale and the number read.  Ahem. 

My weight upon delivery.

No.  Not delivery of like ordering out.  Like DELIVERY OF A HUMAN BEING.

So needless to say... I freaked a little bit.  Cried a bit.  Called myself names a bit.  And well, went on with my day.

Then as I pondered it throughout the day as I think about weight and food like I do everyday I knew I had to take it one step further.  One of my 'starts' was to 'Compete against an earlier version of yourself.'

I gotta do something about it. 

Cutting to the chase here...I decided to do what I did 2 years ago when I lost 30 pounds.  It worked.  I did great.  But at that point in my life-I'll admit I wasn't exactly mentally stable.  I was into pretty deep the post partum depression and ate my way back into a stable mentality.  Ahem.  Well...at least not as mental.  

I get all the blah blah blah 'Make small changes. It has to be a lifestyle change...blah blah.'  My life changed - and my style changed in a bad way.  PASS NO JUDGEMENT PLEASE.  I get it.  I've been successful with the 'lifestyle change' in my life.  And kept that weight off till I got pregnant then all bets were off.  

So I know all about that 'lifestyle change'.  

I decided last night that I was going to make a goal board and put it on the fridge or pantry door.  

My heart sank thinking about going to look through old pictures to find the ones of me where I was 'content' with myself.  And as I closed my eyes, I made myself say out loud 'I'm not going to look into the heart of that person in the photograph-I'm going to just focus on the cosmetic side of that person.'

Oh hell.  Who was I kidding?  I mean really.  Did I REALLY think that going back into the pictures of what I consider to be the most content time of my life was going to make me feel good about who I am right now and who I want to to be?

Sigh.

It started out ok.  But ended in my dog licking the tears and snot from my face.

It started out with looking at pics of me.  You know...out with friends, having fun.  Thinking 'yeah, I'm a hottie-lookin good-check out those arms-wow did I use to work hard at the gym then'.....  What you do in your 20s, right?  Then I decided to get out the pack of pictures of my husband and I before we got married. 

And I lost it.

Totally lost it.  

My mind replayed all those memories in my head.  And I thought to myself...look how much fun we use to have.  Look at how gorgeous i was.  Look at how he hasn't even changed a tiny bit since then.  

And my heart broke.  

Thinking about the years 'post marriage'.  How hard the past 5 years have been for us. 

And the first thing I thought to myself was....

'Wow.  We are going to by married for 5 years in a couple of months.  I can't believe we made it through all the things that happened over those years.'

And as I cried a little more.  Mourned a little more at the sight of those pictures of who I 'use to be'.  I felt a sense of comfort take over me.  Something that I've never felt as I looked at those pictures years past.  Heck.  I hardly ever looked at them before because the pain and sadness they brought back to me.

But the comfort that came over me was a sign that I'm a stronger person today.  I'm a more determined, focused, joyful human being today.  

I laid out those pictures....took a few pictures...and then my phone rang.

It was my husband calling to tell me they were on their way back from soccer practice this morning.

And as I asked Boston 'Was it fun?  How did you do?'  He proudly told me that he got knocked down by two boys and cried.  But that he got back up and scored.

HELLO FATE.

Even though my life is different today....I can learn a thing or two from my 3 year old kid.

Even though I got knocked down from depression, weight gain & looking at those damn pictures of the way I 'use to be' - I'm gonna get back up and SCORE.

Good start to my list of 'competing against an earlier version of myself', don't you think?

Then & Now

Yes. My dog is sitting on my tree skirt.

Then & Now

You know how life changes sometimes?

I've been thinking a lot.  (Imagine that, right?)

Well, everytime I step out of my shower....I look straight into a picture frame filled with pictures of a person that I don't know anymore.

Actually...a whole lot of persons I don't know anymore.

They are photos from my wedding.

Don't mind the creepy Santa. Check out his little smile!March 3rd, 2007 weekend.  In Key West, Florida.

A time that prior to this past year I would say was the best weekend of my life.

Now?  

Not so much.

I guess because I'm really starting to look at things differently.

And being able to let go of the past easier.

You see...those people in those photos have all faded away.  Every single one of them.

My beautiful living room.Except for my husband and I.

Those people?  I honestly can say they're people that I don't know nor care to get to know anymore.

Those people were my 'friends' at the time of our marriage.  Or at least..so I thought.

It's really sad when I look at those pictures.  

Cause I can look into the eyes of the ones there and know what happened next in their lives.

I can't even really go into detail here because for one.... my husband would shoot me for talking about others. 

I still can't believe I made that. Pinch me.But two...even though I have no interest in those people..I don't want to disrespect them.

Let me just put it this way.  One has died....one has been to rehab twice and almost died.  One lost their husband before the wedding being left with an infant and a toddler.

There were 60 people at our wedding.  And when you take out our families...that leaves about 20 or so friends.

It's so weird to think about it.  Because as I look into those pictures when i step out of my shower...I hold and harbor resentment against so many of them.  Because when I was at my lowest in life...they probably wouldn't have spit on me if I was on fire.

Or at least at that point in my life...I felt that way.

They hadn't 'fallen' yet.  So through their eyes, I was a miserable mess.  They didn't want to deal or care about what was going on with me half way across the country.  They all had 'better' things to deal with. 

Funny.  Cause when their insanity came up and they were grasping at straws...there was no one there to help them pick the long straw.  And in a way?  For a few of them I got this 'See asshole.  You sure aren't as perfect as you thought you were afterall' mentality.

Warped-I know!  I swear.  It's my thinking again in this Gemini head of mine.

I think about them a lot.  

I miss one dearly.  So much so that I probably think about her once a week.

She'll never return though.  And I feel like a sense of me could have helped her.

We could have helped each other.

But I'll never get that chance.  

Another?  Was my best friend.  Or so I thought.  The other?  Was my husbands best friend. Which he still is.

But I don't want anything to do with that person.

I know this sounds so harsh.  Cause in reality it is.

But 4 out of the last 5 years of my life...all I wanted to do was to be that girl again.

The one I see in the picture when I walk out of the shower.

I loathed to her be her so badly that I never really looked at the big picture.  

You know... the ones who were surrounding me there.

To them it was all just a party.  

Heck..to my husband even it was a party.

To me?  I knew that weekend was going to change my life forever.

And here I am.  Sitting in my comfy chair.  Lights flickering on the mantle and shining from the top of my gorgeous Christmas tree.

In a house that a year ago I called a 'coffin'.  A place where people go to 'die'.

Holy Morbidness-I know, Batman.

But at one point in my life?  I felt like I was dying in here.

But in the past year I've really opened up my awareness.

And looked into the Light.

And now?

Instead of seeing things for what I think they should be......

I see things the way they really are.

Because I continue to look into the Light.